"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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