Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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