Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
