when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Four minutes until I can fart!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
