I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
