so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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