I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
