I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
