I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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