I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
