i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
