Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Let's get the cat blown out
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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