My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize