Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
