theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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