How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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