I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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