Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
