is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
