Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
