Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
