plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
