I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
