so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
