Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
