im drinking this country out of the recession.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
