I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Boobs are out for the taking
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
