just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
