The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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