I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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