Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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