My friends, they love my intelligence
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize