My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
