I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
