there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
