as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
