I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
