Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
