why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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