My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
