Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
