i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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