That's when you crack a 10am beer
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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