So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
