guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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