I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
