Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
