You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I licked your asshole in confidence.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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