don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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