Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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