Porn is love you can see.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
