I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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