I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
