And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
