You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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