I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
